Sweetie, baby and hon are just a few of the pet names we’ve grown accustomed to calling each other. And in case you sit in front of a computer all day (programming of course) with no social life, a pet name is a name or a term of address used to express affection for a person, thing, etc.

Ermm, let’s stay away from things for now and focus on people. Okay, so you’re shopping around for a good pet name and you don’t know where to start. Well, it typically starts naturally. Your personality leads you to find the right word, group of words or even random syllables that is fitting to your relationship dynamic. But just case you’re out of ideas, here’s a general guideline;

The Safes – If you’re new at the dating game, or you just want to be friends, you might wanna stick with these.

1. Hey Girl/Dude (w,m): Hey, better safe than sorry right?
2. Buddy (m): This is for the good friend. It can have intimate implications if used in that way.
3. Hotshot (m): Once you’ve got the ball rolling, this brings about the flirt factor.

The Gangstas – For the non-lovy-dovy-head-over-heels, calculus-book-carrying dudes.

1. Shorty (w): You’re not the super emotional kind. You’re the manliest man in the world and you want everyone to know it. Derivatives {Shawtay}
2. Boo (w,m): Suggests intimacy and exclusivity. Eg. “He was my boo.” Meaning there was and will only ever be one. Derivatives {Booboo}
3. Sugar Mamma/Daddy (w,m): A dynamic where one person is comfortable freeloading from the other. Derivatives {Sugar Mom, Sugar Pop}

The Hips – Because the body is of the essence

1. Hottie (w, m): Typically used to describe a more physical/appearance-based relationship. Derivatives {Hot, Hots}
2. Hunk (m): You appreciate what you see on your man, not in him. Derivatives {Hunkie}
3. Stud (m): For the last time, you dig his body! Derivatives {Stud Man, Stud Muffin}

The Traditionalists – That’s right. The oldies but goodies.

1. Darling (w,m): A good bit of respect is suggested as well as deep sensuality. Derivatives {Sorry, they didn’t have derivatives back then}
2. Dear (w,m): The typical marital situation. Possess duality in being cutesy or being neutral. Derivatives {Nope. We’re still in the middle ages, folks.}
3. My love (w,m): Typically a soft feeling. Reserved for destined-to-be, love-at-first-sight folks. Derivatives {For love? Are you kidding me?}
4. Lovely (w): Another very soft and heartfelt term of address.
   Derivatives {May be interchangeable with “my love”}

The Weirdos – Let someone hear you say this in public, and you will be jumped!

1. Monkey Buns (?): Don’t even want to begin to think about this one. Derivatives {No Thank You!}
2. Huggalump (?): I promise, I didn’t make these up. Some of you actually call people by these names. Derivatives {…….why, oh why?}
3. Chunky Bunny (?): Oh yes, this one’s just flattering. Derivatives {I’m sure you can think of another insult to go with this one. }

Well that kinda spiraled out of control, didn’t it? Happens in life so why not here? Well, on another note, what is up with pet names? I mean, seriously. Doll face? Okay, what about the rest of their body? Sweetheart? But their lungs need some work huh? Maybe they smoke and perhaps honey bun implies that they’re cheap, replaceable and can make you sick to the stomach. Exaggeration? Not at all. Consider Chunky Bunny; pretty straight forward isn’t it?– You’re a soft, hairy vegetarian. Not that there’s anything wrong with soft hairy vegetarians but it could come off as offensive to some people.

Then there’s always the folks who use pet names because they’ve forgotten peoples’ real names. Yes, you’ve done it too! We say things like “Hey…man!” or “Hey…there!” or if we really want to save face, we throw in “I really miss you…..we should hang out sometime.” I’ll have to post a guide on how to covertly recover people’s names.

All that said, I have to ask, What’re your favorite pet names?

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